Okay, the timing isn’t perfect. Last week was a better fit but let’s get old No. 4 into a Vikings jersey again.
It was a chance to be completely Hollywood bringing 44-year-old Brett Favre out of retirement last week to play his old team, the Packers, at Mall of America Field. Nope, it didn’t work out very good last night for the Vikings, losing 44-31 to Packers. The Vikings are 1-6 and have lost three consecutive games playing football worthy of their record.
Christian Ponder struggled last night in his second tour of duty at quarterback. You know the facts. The Vikings can’t decide who their quarterback is for this season, never mind the future. Grab hold of Favre for the last nine games of the season and know the ride through November and December will be more fun than a Love Boat on Lake Minnetonka.
Bud Grant, the Vikings’ legendary Super Bowl coach, nailed this thing decades ago when he preached the NFL is a lot more than a bunch of guys running around in jockstraps trying to win games. The billion dollar NFL with franchises from coast to coast, and media reach into foreign lands, is show biz, baby. It’s all about the numbers including money, more money, and TV ratings that suffocates other programming.
What could be better than sending a small posse of Vikings players to Favre’s Mississippi ranch today, begging for his return to Minneapolis? “Uh, Mr. Favre, you may have noticed we’ve had three different guys starting for us at quarterback in the last three games,” posse spokesman Adrian Peterson might say. “The circus just isn’t the same without you. We need you, Mr. Favre.
“If you come back I’ll even block for you. Maybe we can get some others guys to do the same thing, but I can’t promise.”
Favre’s agent Bus Cook raved about his friend’s conditioning last month. “Today, he could play today,” Cook told the Mobile Press-Register on September 23. “I saw him the other day. He’s in the best shape I’ve ever seen him in, physically.
“His arms look like a blacksmith’s arms. He rides a bike probably 30-50 miles a day. He runs four or five miles a day. He’s coaching at the high school and they’re undefeated. He loves it. His body fat is 7.5 percent and he weighs 225 pounds. He could play today, better than a lot of them out there today.”
Sports Headliners confirms Cook’s assessment. We sent satellite cameras to Mississippi and the pilot said Favre’s arms are so large they can be seen from space. We documented he runs 10 miles in the morning, 20 in the afternoon and 30 at night. He can throw a football through a barn wall. There is only one thoroughbred on the ranch who runs faster than grandpa Favre — a horse named Adrian.
Honest. Bus and I swear to all of the above.
Yes, Favre is still Superman. All that’s missing is for him to report to Winter Park for practice. Coming to town on October 29 will be like Favre wrote the script. Everyone knows of his disdain for training camp in July and August. This fall Favre can skip the misery of camp and boredom of preseason games, and he only needs to play about half the season.
Let’s wager a tea bag Favre will grab a pen and sign his contract when someone points out he missed that long flight for the game in London last month against the Steelers.
The posse will bring him a fat contract from the Wilfs. That will make the old guy smile but he will really light up when Peterson points to a schedule of opponents that doesn’t include the Saints, those low tackling, knee targeting, bounty loving rascals from New Orleans.
“Brett, we will get your rocking chair and put it in front of your locker,” Chad Greenway might say. “It will be like old times.”
Brett, think about being in the locker room again. You loved telling stories, picking on teammates, acting like a teenager. Joking around at Winter Park has to be more fun than fixing fences and stepping in manure on the ranch.
Joe Webb, the one potential quarterback on the roster the Vikings haven’t tried, told us he learned a lot from you. “I am sure in his mind that he feels like he probably…could go out there and do it because he’s always been a little kid every time I’ve been around him,” wide receiver Webb said. “He’s been a great guy to be around.”
See it’s nice to be needed. And the Vikings shouldn’t stop there. When retired defensive tackle Pat Williams brings the rocking chair into the locker room, the Vikings will have a contract waiting for him, too.
This comeback thing won’t be complete without a return by the Minneapolis traffic cops’ worst nightmare, Randy Moss. Catering companies will scatter in panic but a Favre-Williams-Moss return will outdo any soap opera drama in Vikings history.
This so perfect. Interest in the team is faltering and that’s not good with those personal seat licenses for the new stadium on the horizon, but Favre, Moss and Williams will juice sales. Advertisers, suite purchasers and others will also pony up to fill the pockets of the Wilfs who could use an extra buck or two after that court case in New Jersey.
There is no end to the benefits from your return, Brett. Cynical sportswriters will broaden their vocabularies and use their spell check to locate one of their favorite nicknames, “Diva.” You could ease into your role as Vikings quarterback by alternating plays with Ponder, confusing the drunks in the stands who might actually applaud the young quarterback and thereby saving Ponder a month of fees with his psychiatrist.
Even Dan Cohen — running for mayor on a campaign platform to dump the city’s funding for the new stadium — might change his tune if Favre, Williams and Moss come to town. And don’t forget, Brett, the Vikings have one game remaining against the hated Packers. November 24 in Green Bay.
Revenge is sweet.
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